But. Her. Emails.

A 10 inch thick binder of raw intelligence on Russia is just MISSING?!

In case you missed it what with all the fucking around finally finding out that is currently befalling America’s Mayor — no big deal or anything, but the funniest story broke this morning and I wasn’t even gonna mention it, cuz like, I was really planning on making the case for why Die Hard is not a Christmas movie anymore than My Favorite Things is a Christmas song, but I guess instead I’ll just flag this funny little thing I read when I first woke up this morning, which totally didn’t force me to immediately jump to my feet shouting, “WAIT, WHAT THE FUCK!”, because it’s really not all that noteworthy, so here goes.

Washington (CNN) — A binder containing highly classified information related to Russian election interference went missing at the end of Donald Trump’s presidency, raising alarms among intelligence officials that some of the most closely guarded national security secrets from the US and its allies could be exposed, sources familiar with the matter told CNN.

Its disappearance, which has not been previously reported, was so concerning that intelligence officials briefed Senate Intelligence Committee leaders last year about the missing materials and the government’s efforts to retrieve them, the sources said.

In the two-plus years since Trump left office, the missing intelligence does not appear to have been found.

The binder contained raw intelligence the US and its NATO allies collected on Russians and Russian agents, including sources and methods that informed the US government’s assessment that Russian President Vladimir Putin sought to help Trump win the 2016 election, sources tell CNN.

The intelligence was so sensitive that lawmakers and congressional aides with top secret security clearances were able to review the material only at CIA headquarters in Langley, Virginia, where their work scrutinizing it was itself kept in a locked safe.

I’m sorry, CNN — I didn’t get a real great night’s sleep, I was up late decorating (who gives a Fuck about Christmas and decorations, amirite) the bathroom light was on and I didn’t feel like getting up to turn it off and I was too hot under my new blanket, and my eyes aren’t quite fully awake yet, but did you just say that A 10 INCH BINDER CONTAINING RAW INTELLIGENCE THE US AND ITS NATO ALLIES COLLECTED ON RUSSIANS AND RUSSIAN AGENTS, INCLUDING SOURCES AND METHODS THAT INFORMED THE US GOVERNMENT’S ASSESSMENT THAT PUTIN SOUGHT TO HELP TRUMP WIN THE 2016 ELECTION IS JUST MISSING!??

Like ‘whoopsies, I can’t find my raw intelligence on Russia, I’m sure it’s in my other pants’ missing?

Are you fucking kidding me right now CNN, because this would be a very funny prank if pranks were a tradition at Christmas when you’re surrounded by loved ones and feeling grateful to live in a country where OUR PRESIDENT DOES NOT STEAL AND STORE OUR MOST HIGHLY GUARDED NATIONAL SECURITY SECRETS IN HIS CHANDELIER SHITTER.

I’m sorry for yelling, I’ve been pinned at an 11 since 8am.

You see, I’m one of those folks who is actually old enough to remember that time the lifelong public servant who should have been our 45th President essentially lost the 2016 election to a sociopathic fucking moron and lifelong criminal conman because she had the audacity to use a private server for some official government communications. I’m also old enough to remember when huge crowds of Qrackheads creamed themselves chanting LOCK HER UP!!! (Actually, they still do that the dumbfucks, the chanting not the creaming as they’re too old for that shit now).

And while Hillary went for a walk in the woods, and is now living her best bold-patterned pant-suit life as a private citizen without a single criminal charge against her, the yam-titted traitor she “lost” to, has now been indicted for stealing, obstructing the investigation into, and disseminating this country’s national security secrets.

And as is ALWAYS, always the case with Trump, it’s “But wait, there’s more!”

(“More” when it relates to Donald Trump is never a good thing unless we’re talking about indictments, but I digress.)

Now, in December of the year 2023, mere weeks before this year comes to a close, we have learned that in addition to all the other shady Shit the guy has done to imperil our national security, that a massive binder containing reams of top secret information pertaining to our number one adversary and his efforts to help Trump “win” in 2016, have been “missing” for 2+ years.

They went “missing” in the final hours of Trump’s so-called “presidency”, as his now co-conspirator turned cooperating witness, Chief of Staff Mark Meadows was running around Capitol Hill like he was Lauren Boebert with a buzz in search of a bartender’s baloney pony, frantically trying to get the documents declassified at the behest of his melon-hued master.

And they haven’t been seen since. Not even on a milk carton. Just poof — disappeared.

This is the United States government we’re talking about here folks. If they can make our dishwashers and microwaves spy on us, how the Fuck they gonna just “lose” this binder?

Per CNN: The Russian intelligence was just a small part of the collection of documents in the binder, described as being 10 inches thick and containing reams of information about the FBI’s “Crossfire Hurricane” investigation into the 2016 Trump campaign and Russia. But the raw intelligence on Russia was among its most sensitive classified materials, and top Trump administration officials repeatedly tried to block the former president from releasing the documents.

True story as the kids say — yesterday in my seemingly never ending quest to decorate my house for Christmas, I happened to notice that the baby Jesus in my adorable little Target-purchased nativity set had disappeared. Confounded as the rest of the crew was accounted for, I began a search around the house calling out for baby Jesus, as if baby Jesus was going to respond. But how could I have lost him?