This week has been the craziest week of Republican chicanery and calamity creation in the history of time. Topping last week, which managed to eke out a win over the week prior, and that one the week prior and so on…
Arthur Fonzarelli has jumped that shark so many damn times by now, he’s ready to just fall into the water and let it all come to a swift ending with the Fonz as thumbs-up leather-clad chum for his formidable fish foe because it’s a preferable fate to enduring another day of the gong-less GOP Gong Show.
Let’s start the helter-skelter highlight reel of performative high jinx with the man, the mythology, the legend of Floridian front-butt himself, Donald Trump.
When he wasn’t holding a fake “Union rally” in a non-Union shop in front of non-Union workers being paid to hold pro-Union signs, Donald Trump and his adult male spawn were being found liable for MASSIVE amounts of business fraud in NY, resulting in the extraordinary consequence of losing their ability to conduct business there.
The Yam-dyed dotard was in Michigan at that scab auto-parts factory in an attempt to distract attention from that fraud story, and to steal viewership from the second Republican Primary debate, also known as the circular firing squad of irrelevance and cross-talking awful.
Watching those pathetic displays always makes me feel dirty—like I’m passing a horrific highway crash and craning my neck to see how bad it is when I know I need to look away, and yet I’m sitting there, stuck in traffic knowing the whole damn town is gonna be talking about how awful it was, and that’s one reason to look, because then I can talk about all the carnage I saw and people say they don’t want to hear about that stuff but that’s bullshit they just don’t want to admit it, and so I look, and it’s awful, somehow so much worse than I imagined, and then I’m instantly filled with regret and self-loathing and questioning all my life choices, but I digress…
So, here’s a brief overview:
Ron Puddin’ Cup Finger Fucker DeSantis checked his “how to look like a totally natural human” notes and managed to hit that not at all awkwardly forced smile after promising to nuke Mexico like the unnervingly sociopathic weirdo he is.
Former UN Ambassador and self-proclaimed expert on international threats to our national security Nikki Haley laid a smack down on Vivek “Please stop talking while I’m interrupting” Ramaswamy over the tween-fave social media app TikTok since that’s clearly the gravest threat facing America today.
But back to born to wealthy parents, private school educated Vivek, who took time out of his usual Obama plagiarizing routine to thrill the audience into a collective eye roll with an all-rap rendition of “Hard Knock Life”.
Chris Christie’s seasoned debate veteran calculus was that sexualizing First Lady Dr. Jill Biden was worthy of more of his gunpowder than going after the guy who nearly killed him with Covid, who he, deep breath, it’s a doozy and maybe nsfw… called… Donald… DUCK (a cringeworthy moment unrivaled by many of the cringiest moments in history and has forever revoked whatever shred of Jersey street cred he may have somehow had remaining).
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