Just in time for the holidays!!! The annual Clarence Thomas SCOTUS VOTE SALE!!

The perfect gift for that conservative on your list who has everything.

We all have that person in our lives, don’t we? The one who seems to have everything anyone could ever want? They have the clothes, the car, the jewelry, every kitchen gadget and tech gizmo there is. The Trump Snuggie, singlet, Stetson and stilettos? You know you have to get them something, but what… what could you possibly get for that loved one who seems to want for nothing but restrictions on personal freedoms, a national religion, the oppression of minorities & the subjugation of women?

Conservatives, Trumpers, Mega-MAGAs, testicle tanning middle-aged men rightfully questioning their masculinity, and suburban Botox-Barbies who think they need to get injections in their face to keep their husbands from straying — we see you and your daddy issues and we know just how hard this time of year can be, especially with all those Christmas-hating Libs out there. And we know that the last thing you need to worry about when trying to save Christmas from the woke mob, is finding the perfect gift!

Well, have no fear — the annual SCOTUS vote sale is here!

Don’t know what size they wear?

Not a care. SCOTUS vote is one size-fits-all (well, fits-most, since having a conscience or caring about your fellow man can make the fit a little bit wonky).

Not sure if they have room in their home?

SCOTUS vote is only massive in its potentially grave implications and long term, far-reaching impacts on society like stripping away the fundamental human right of bodily autonomy from tens of millions of American women and girls. The vote itself is so small, it can fit right in your pocket. You can even take it with you salmon fishing with your favorite billionaire pals.

Worried they may already have one?

Well, unless they’re a conservative billionaire with a private yacht the size of Piscataway, NJ a penchant for dark money and one of the world’s largest collections of Nazi memorabilia, the chances are pretty slim. (Ok, just to cover our bases, if they are a conservative billionaire at all, you might have to ask a few exploratory questions).

But back to those votes— let’s be honest, these days it’s hard to make anyone happy, let alone EVERYONE, so we want to make it crystal clear that while a SCOTUS vote will most assuredly make white, Christian men who are feeling “threatened” by anyone who looks, loves, dresses, votes, lives or basically breathes differently than they do EXTREMELY happy, we do understand that it just might not be the gift for everyone.

Do you have one of those (whispers) liberals on your list? You know, someone who is against discrimination, and wants people to be able to love who they want to love, learn accurate history, or keep prayer out of our schools? Well, then maybe a festive scarf, or one of those fun toilet sprays that makes your poo smell like pomegranate is better for them. Your gay cousin Sam, probably not his jam. Women’s March Aunt Monica and her “hands of my uterus” sign would undoubtedly prefer a Penzeys spice gift set or one of those stainless steel cups that can stay cold in a car fire. And that edgy daughter of yours going through her “climate crisis” phase, would definitely get much more use out of one of those camping things that turns her pee-pee into drinking water. After all, she likes nature so much, you’ll want to make sure she can really drink it all in. Literally.