š„Leaked debate memos ahead of Milwaukee!
A veritable treasure trove of the GOP debate prep no wants you to see!
Holy shit!! You wonāt believe what just landed in this suburban New Jersey momās lucky lap!
I was just sitting here, minding my own business, getting a tan while tending to my tomatoes, lettinā my gel pedi dry and day drinking Titos & pink lemonade out of my Stanley so nobody gonna know that it aināt just Crystal friggin Light in there as if itās any of their friggin business, but I digressā¦ when my phone rings and Iām looking at the number and it doesnāt look familiar, so Iām thinking, āeither thatās spam or itās the dog sitter trying to get around the third party Rover app takin a cut of her profits and if itās her than I gotta call her back and thatās a pain in the assā so I just answer it. And Iām like, āHello?ā
And heās like, āHello?ā
So Iām like, āHello?ā
And heās like, āIs this JoJo?ā
And Iām ready to friggin hang up at this point ok, cuz I know where these calls go. Some MAGA jackass got my name off the Internet and heās thinking he can mess with me, but before I end the call, he says:
āIāve got some very interesting information about tomorrowās Republican debate. I want you to have it. No one else should have this. Only you.ā
And look, Iām as susceptible to flattery as the next day drinking Jersey mom, so ok, Iāll bite.
āOh yeah?ā I said.
āThatās correct.ā He confirmed.
And so, now heās got my attention, and he starts to tell me everything. About how heās come into the possession of leaked debate prep memos for all of the Republican candidates appearing in the debate tomorrow night. And itās shocking. And no one else has it. But heās going to share it with me.
And who am I to say no to such a thing. Iām as worthy as the next guy. No, Iām not some politco who cut her teeth on the inner workings of government while interning under Senator so-and-so. Iām not some pedigreed journo who simply sneezes and piles of irrefutable facts and figures come flying out.
But I went to high school. I was on the mock-trial team. I can read, and I make a damn good turkey meatball which has to count for something. So, yeah. Iām the right person to possess these memos. Totally. Whoās more deserving than me? Nicole Wallace? Says who? The millions of people who watch her show all the time? Come on. Like thatās even a relevant metric here.
Sooo all of that saidā¦ whoās got two thumbs and copies of super secret debate prep memos ahead of the event in Milwaukee tomorrow night??
ā¦
Actuallyā¦ itās not meā¦
Iāll bet I maybe/kinda had at least a few of you for a second there, right?? No one? Reallyā¦? Not one single personā¦? Ehem. Ok moving on. š
I will say this - should that shit have actually fallen into my lap, youād be the VERY FIRST folks Iād share it with, despite that littleā¦ (clears throat) slight above.
Sadly however, I am not in the possession of any such memos, but I AM in the possession of one extremely twisted and distorted (regularly fairly disturbed AND disturbing) mind and there are few things I love more than taking every single opportunity that pops up in this crazy world of ours to insult, mock and belittle Republicans, so thatās what Iām going to do here with what I HOPE will look like satire after tomorrow night, but given this cult of a so-called Partyās special kind of crazy, these satirical memos just might turn out to have been prognostications instead.
We shall see.
So, who made the debate stage anyway?
The eight participants are: North Dakota Gov. Doug Burgum, former New Jersey governor Chris Christie, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, former U.N. ambassador Nikki Haley, former Arkansas governor Asa Hutchinson, former vice president Mike Pence, entrepreneur Vivek Ramaswamy and Sen. Tim Scott (S.C.).
Up first, letās check in on North Dakota Gov. Doug Burgum.
Whatās his strategy going into tomorrow night?
Top line message: Hi. I exist! Iām alive! And I have thoughts about things eh?
The goal is to make people aware that you are a person who exists despite the fact that theyāve probably never heard of you and have no idea who you are.
North Dakota is a place eh?
The goal here is to explain to an audience for whom North Dakota is a fictional place in that movie with the lady who says ādonāt ya knowā all the time and the guy who gets wood chippered to death ok eh?
More of the whole āI exist stuffā eh?
And then say something about how Dems line up to have abortions months after the baby is born.
Convey your love for vests. They poll very well.
Next up, my former Governor, beach sitter, bridge closer and all-around self-serving son-of-bitch, Chris Christie:
Top line message: Try to make one person on the planet think they might like you, and if they donāt like you, fuck āem.
Make sure youāre really angry and defensive, like āhow dare you ask me this totally reasonable shit, shit I would totally ask me if the tables were turned but theyāre not so youāre the asshole hereā and then tell them theyāre right about you, but make them feel dirty for it, āYouāre goddamn right I didnāt say all this shit when I had the chance all those years, but I only care about myself you dumbfucks, so yeah ā Iām doing it for āAmericaā ok sure whatever.
If Marge Greene holds up a box of Krispy Kreme donuts in the audience, LOOK AWAY!! Itās a TRAP!! IT IS A TRAP!! Plenty of donuts on the other side of this dumpster fire Chris. You can resist. Just think of them like you think of exercise and humbleness. Not your bag bro.
If anyone tells you to eat the meatloaf, laugh like you donāt get the joke, even though we know youāre crying on the inside.
Hit the Ds in the name Donald harder than anyone else. And let a little spit fly from those jowls of yours. Itās your calling card. Too bad for anyone sitting in the splash zone, they were warned.
Tell the story of how Jaredās daddy set his sisterās husband up with a hooker for revenge. People love that shit.
Donāt fart.
Lord Farquaad of Florida Governor, Ron DeSantis:
Top line message: You are in fact human and you are good at laughing, you also have human emotions for your many small offspring who are very special and you and your white-gloved ballgown to a backyard bbq bride are very relatable. Not super-weird robots.
If youāre going to pretend to laugh at something decidedly NOT funny, donāt look like youāve unhinged your jaw to do it. Remember what we practiced. āHa. Ha ha. Ha.ā No arching in any direction. No unhinging.
Leave the Therapy Puddin cup in the dressing room, and do not even attempt to save some under your finger nails in case you get stressed on stage and need a little hit. This. Is. A. No. Pudding. Zone. š«
Talk about how you did one totally basic thing every American parent does āwith humilityā. Average Americans love that shit.
When asked about Trumpās attacks on you, stand there silently gritting your teeth and trying to smile while knowing that there is nothing you can ever say that will be the right thing in that moment, before you remember to pivot by attacking Vivek Ramaswamy.
Use the word woke in between every second and third word you say. āWell, actually woke Chris thatās woke not true.ā
Mention bombing Mexico. Nothing sways the Independents quite like threatening our neighbors to the south with extrajudicial Justice.
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