🔥Leaked debate memos ahead of Milwaukee!
A veritable treasure trove of the GOP debate prep no wants you to see!
Holy shit!! You won’t believe what just landed in this suburban New Jersey mom’s lucky lap!
I was just sitting here, minding my own business, getting a tan while tending to my tomatoes, lettin’ my gel pedi dry and day drinking Titos & pink lemonade out of my Stanley so nobody gonna know that it ain’t just Crystal friggin Light in there as if it’s any of their friggin business, but I digress… when my phone rings and I’m looking at the number and it doesn’t look familiar, so I’m thinking, ‘either that’s spam or it’s the dog sitter trying to get around the third party Rover app takin a cut of her profits and if it’s her than I gotta call her back and that’s a pain in the ass’ so I just answer it. And I’m like, “Hello?”
And he’s like, “Hello?”
So I’m like, “Hello?”
And he’s like, “Is this JoJo?”
And I’m ready to friggin hang up at this point ok, cuz I know where these calls go. Some MAGA jackass got my name off the Internet and he’s thinking he can mess with me, but before I end the call, he says:
“I’ve got some very interesting information about tomorrow’s Republican debate. I want you to have it. No one else should have this. Only you.”
And look, I’m as susceptible to flattery as the next day drinking Jersey mom, so ok, I’ll bite.
“Oh yeah?” I said.
“That’s correct.” He confirmed.
And so, now he’s got my attention, and he starts to tell me everything. About how he’s come into the possession of leaked debate prep memos for all of the Republican candidates appearing in the debate tomorrow night. And it’s shocking. And no one else has it. But he’s going to share it with me.
And who am I to say no to such a thing. I’m as worthy as the next guy. No, I’m not some politco who cut her teeth on the inner workings of government while interning under Senator so-and-so. I’m not some pedigreed journo who simply sneezes and piles of irrefutable facts and figures come flying out.
But I went to high school. I was on the mock-trial team. I can read, and I make a damn good turkey meatball which has to count for something. So, yeah. I’m the right person to possess these memos. Totally. Who’s more deserving than me? Nicole Wallace? Says who? The millions of people who watch her show all the time? Come on. Like that’s even a relevant metric here.
Sooo all of that said… who’s got two thumbs and copies of super secret debate prep memos ahead of the event in Milwaukee tomorrow night??
…
Actually… it’s not me…
I’ll bet I maybe/kinda had at least a few of you for a second there, right?? No one? Really…? Not one single person…? Ehem. Ok moving on. 👀
I will say this - should that shit have actually fallen into my lap, you’d be the VERY FIRST folks I’d share it with, despite that little… (clears throat) slight above.
Sadly however, I am not in the possession of any such memos, but I AM in the possession of one extremely twisted and distorted (regularly fairly disturbed AND disturbing) mind and there are few things I love more than taking every single opportunity that pops up in this crazy world of ours to insult, mock and belittle Republicans, so that’s what I’m going to do here with what I HOPE will look like satire after tomorrow night, but given this cult of a so-called Party’s special kind of crazy, these satirical memos just might turn out to have been prognostications instead.
We shall see.
So, who made the debate stage anyway?
The eight participants are: North Dakota Gov. Doug Burgum, former New Jersey governor Chris Christie, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, former U.N. ambassador Nikki Haley, former Arkansas governor Asa Hutchinson, former vice president Mike Pence, entrepreneur Vivek Ramaswamy and Sen. Tim Scott (S.C.).
Up first, let’s check in on North Dakota Gov. Doug Burgum.
What’s his strategy going into tomorrow night?
Top line message: Hi. I exist! I’m alive! And I have thoughts about things eh?
The goal is to make people aware that you are a person who exists despite the fact that they’ve probably never heard of you and have no idea who you are.
North Dakota is a place eh?
The goal here is to explain to an audience for whom North Dakota is a fictional place in that movie with the lady who says “don’t ya know” all the time and the guy who gets wood chippered to death ok eh?
More of the whole “I exist stuff” eh?
And then say something about how Dems line up to have abortions months after the baby is born.
Convey your love for vests. They poll very well.
Next up, my former Governor, beach sitter, bridge closer and all-around self-serving son-of-bitch, Chris Christie:
Top line message: Try to make one person on the planet think they might like you, and if they don’t like you, fuck ‘em.
Make sure you’re really angry and defensive, like ‘how dare you ask me this totally reasonable shit, shit I would totally ask me if the tables were turned but they’re not so you’re the asshole here’ and then tell them they’re right about you, but make them feel dirty for it, “You’re goddamn right I didn’t say all this shit when I had the chance all those years, but I only care about myself you dumbfucks, so yeah — I’m doing it for “America” ok sure whatever.
If Marge Greene holds up a box of Krispy Kreme donuts in the audience, LOOK AWAY!! It’s a TRAP!! IT IS A TRAP!! Plenty of donuts on the other side of this dumpster fire Chris. You can resist. Just think of them like you think of exercise and humbleness. Not your bag bro.
If anyone tells you to eat the meatloaf, laugh like you don’t get the joke, even though we know you’re crying on the inside.
Hit the Ds in the name Donald harder than anyone else. And let a little spit fly from those jowls of yours. It’s your calling card. Too bad for anyone sitting in the splash zone, they were warned.
Tell the story of how Jared’s daddy set his sister’s husband up with a hooker for revenge. People love that shit.
Don’t fart.
Lord Farquaad of Florida Governor, Ron DeSantis:
Top line message: You are in fact human and you are good at laughing, you also have human emotions for your many small offspring who are very special and you and your white-gloved ballgown to a backyard bbq bride are very relatable. Not super-weird robots.
If you’re going to pretend to laugh at something decidedly NOT funny, don’t look like you’ve unhinged your jaw to do it. Remember what we practiced. “Ha. Ha ha. Ha.” No arching in any direction. No unhinging.
Leave the Therapy Puddin cup in the dressing room, and do not even attempt to save some under your finger nails in case you get stressed on stage and need a little hit. This. Is. A. No. Pudding. Zone. 🚫
Talk about how you did one totally basic thing every American parent does “with humility”. Average Americans love that shit.
When asked about Trump’s attacks on you, stand there silently gritting your teeth and trying to smile while knowing that there is nothing you can ever say that will be the right thing in that moment, before you remember to pivot by attacking Vivek Ramaswamy.
Use the word woke in between every second and third word you say. “Well, actually woke Chris that’s woke not true.”
Mention bombing Mexico. Nothing sways the Independents quite like threatening our neighbors to the south with extrajudicial Justice.
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