MeinPillow Mike is losing his shirt.

Who knew sedition was so costly?

At Christmas, my family has a tradition of playing what we call “The Elephant Game”. I’m sure there are a million names and versions of the same big group gift swapping holiday party activity - you know, everyone picks a number out of hat and there’s stealing and trading and honestly, even in the closest of families or friend groups, there’s also an inevitable amount of drama. (Especially depending on how much booze is consumed). Aunt Becky really thought cousin Timmy understood how deeply connected she felt to that strawberry scented poo spray, but now she’s walking away with the dish towel rag doll her brother’s trashy new girlfriend brought because she was that dumb whore she knew from high school and she was too stupid to understand the rules of the game, so she brought a shitty-ass gift. You know, THAT game.

But I digress.

One year, my contribution was a very fancy looking but deceptively inexpensive skincare starter set, which I had every expectation of walking away with for myself.

That was always how I played.

But fuck it all, I drew a terrible number. Too close to the first pick to see many gifts, too far from the last to swoop in and take that final steal. It was Elephant Game purgatory.

A shitty number sucked. But I had a plan. I always had a plan. Until that is, my plan crashed and burned like trump airline. People were crying. One sister-in-law was throwing side eye at the sister-in-law who was cooing about how great her skin was going to look. And there I was, dejectedly, with a box with that Pillow Guy’s face on it. That guy from those stupid commercials.