Moms for Polyamory

Threesomes for me but not for thee

Let me be crystal clear here — I do not care if you get your rocks off by watching videos of sports teams mascots dry humping each other in full costume. It’s not my cup of tea, but if Gritty’s flaming orange beard all up in the furry green nether region of the Philly Fanatic does it for you, and no one gets hurt in the process, then have at it.

I don’t care if you date a hundred men, a hundred women or a mixture of both all at the same time. If that’s your bag and no one is getting hurt I say you run with it. I don’t care if you’re trans, gay, bisexual, none or all of the above. Maybe you’re into chips, dips, chains, and whips… If we’re talking about consensual adults and it butters your biscuit — then I say rock on.

(As an aside, how f’ng hot was Kelly LeBrock in this movie, I mean come on… but I digress).

I don’t care what you do with any other consenting adult or adults in your bedroom, a hotel, the backseat of your Kia Sorento or in the family restroom at an Olive Garden at 3:45 in the afternoon.

I don’t care. And frankly, it’s none of my Fucking business.

But if you happen to be the type of person who walks around casting aspersions on OTHERS for the sexual choices THEY make because (clutches pearls) you find them wildly inappropriate or “unnatural” and then you get caught with your hand in the gonad cookie jar in the middle of a theatre full of kids, or you’re suddenly being asked about that throuple you’ve been filming for awhile, well — see, then I’m gonna wanna weigh in.

Partly because it’s entertaining as fuck to drag you for your hypocrisy, but also because I personally believe the world should see that despite all of your bigoted book banning bullshit and your racist as Fuck whitewashing of history, and your bullying good teachers theatrics, that in the end, you were really telling on yourself the whole damn time.

But see now, here’s what I want to know… Why do they have to do this shit? Why does some bored Karen housewife who gave up her dreams of being a fashion designer and swapped them for an apron, a blowout and the doting gaze of a dutiful wife have to deny herself some totally fun, consensual sex with her husband and another woman? Why does wanting a threesome fill her with so much self-loathing that she needs help pass a “Don’t say gay” bill? Why does getting books or films with gay characters out of schools become the price tag others have to pay for the fact that she happens to dig boobs but is too ashamed to admit it?

Why can’t she just dig boobs, and not ban books?

But therein lies the problem with the Republican Party (ehem, ONE of the problems). From Madison Cawthorn to Marjorie-Tantric-Greene, they say one thing about what is “acceptable” and then they go to coke-fueled gay orgies and shack up with self-styled tantric sex gurus at their QrossFit gym.

They push hate against anyone living an authentic albeit “unconventional” life because they can’t just lean into their own shit. They can’t just say, “My name is Marge and my workout schedule includes arm days, leg days, and fuck a random gym-member days.”

And it makes so much a sense. It’s why they’re SO angry all the time (ehem, it’s PART of why). They feel ashamed of their own carnal longings and desires.

So they take it out on others. Because it offends them so deeply that anyone else should be allowed to live authentically when they can’t. And frankly it’s fucking stupid. It’s dangerous. It’s harmful. And it’s just plain dumb.

They do all of this while cloaking themselves in Christianity” which is ironic, cuz I think God would be far cooler with Mike Johnson jerking off to Chris Hemsworth’s headshot than secretly doing whatever the fuck we can only imagine he might be secretly doing when his porn intake “accountability partner” son isn’t looking.

But they just can’t let the pretense go.

They still call themselves the “party of family values” and that’s required that on this one thing above nearly all others, they have to hide the truth of who they are and what they do.

They’ve really leaned in on the bigotry, the domestic abuse, the authoritarianism, the criminality and the corruption, but they just can’t seem to get over this one last not-so-dry-hump. So much so that a mugshot t-shirt of their Orange Jesus is a source of pride.

I mean — their deity is a guy who has many, many times now — bragged about sexual assault, so I really don’t get it. He can grab women by the pussy but as a party they can’t abide a woman who happens to like pussy?