Mugshots, meat-sticks & mutiny.

The chaotic failure of a mess that is MAGA. A year in review.

Imagine if you will, that a terrible stomach virus befalls the entire staff of a daycare center at exactly the same time rendering every adult in the building unable to police the behavior of the children who are in their care. Hunched over toilets, hurling into garbage cans, crumpled up and heaving balls of helpless humans piled in the corners of the room like towels in a Turkish bath. They can’t cry out for help, can’t reach their phones, they can’t speak or move. They’re left to watch in horror as the chaos unfolds before their very eyes, powerless to stop those puerile preschoolers from unleashing the gates of poopy hell.

Now, imagine that scene at nap time. Imagine the wee ones are demanding their diapey change and goldfish snack first, neither of which they will get for many hours… and the overtired, hangry, soiled lot begins to simultaneously erupt into one massive collective tantrum. Devolving into Lord of the Flies pint-sized pandemonium of finger-painted walls, wailing tots, runaway toy cars and baby dolls in flight as they’re flung across the room, a symphony of tears crescendos as the tiny, over-tired voices harmonize their discontent while overturning empty juice cups in protest and screaming for those GODDAMN GOLDFISH CRACKERS!!!

This disorderly, tumultuous, frenzied & unruly scene is a metaphor for the endlessly malfunctioning mess that is MAGA in the year 2023.

Only, that raucous romper room of an adult-less disaster would actually be an upgrade in maturity, morality & manners when compared to MAGA.

And quite frankly, the adults in the room have had just about enough of their shit.

This was the year that left all doubt behind — your grandfather’s Republican Party is dead. Like, buried on the front-nine of Trump National after its organs were harvested and auctioned off to ailing oil tycoons on the transplant list, dead.

This is now fully the party of Trump. I’m not even sure we should use the word “Republican” anymore, since MAGA bears about as much resemblance to the party of Lincoln as Kellyanne Conway does the before picture of a meth addict, but I digress.

As much as it is true that they’re collectively beholden to a Tupperware-tomato-sauce-stain traitor, the thing about this particular iteration of Honest Abe’s old party, is that it’s not about Trump and it’s sure as shit not about platform or policy. It’s about self-promotion. They’re really only interested in serving themselves. Not only how they survive in these topsy-turvy times, but how they thrive. It’s “me, me, me” 24/7/365. Just like Trump. And so much of what’s unfolded this year has reflected this one thing more than any other.

It’s not “America First” for any of them. It’s “Me First.” Always. Even their service of Trump is really about how it benefits themselves. More tv appearances. More engagement on social media. More fodder for their bullshit books.

And they sure as hell didn’t waste any time making that quite plain when they started the year off with the shitshow that was the 15-vote Speakership circus.

They couldn’t manage to come together enough to agree on who their Speaker should be for FIFTEEN votes. Because it really wasn’t about WHO would be the Speaker at all — it was about what that Speaker would do for THEM. Not their constituents — them personally. And with that crew in the House, that’s a LOT of honey-do lists of distractionpalooza nonsense.

Matty Fivehead wanted a shutdown. Marge wanted to impeach everyone from Joe Biden to Hunter Biden. Hell, she was probably lobbying to have the First Dog put down for treason.

And ever the craven cuck Kevin was sooooo desperate for that gavel and that Speaker’s suite that he castrated himself. Only to find himself making history as the first ever Speaker of the House to be removed by a vote from his post a few months later. Because he had the audacity to make a deal to keep the government open.

His legacy is one of shame. Which is exactly what he deserves. And the guy who once said he’d never quit, has decided to do just that. Kevin quit. And while it is true that the MAGA-held House accomplished essentially nothing legislatively, they did get that fucking fuck to leave Congress and crawl back to California, a forever loser, so at least there’s that.

They also expelled George Santos for being a criminal conman who stole the credit card info of his own donors for Botox & OnlyFans, which really speaks to how dislikable that clown is, given that brazen corruption is basically a MAGA platform at this point.

But you don’t have to take my word for it — just have a look at their melon-hued messiah who in the year of our Lord 2023, made history by becoming the first, second, third and forth current or former president to be charged with a crime. 91 of them in total as a matter of fact.

He was also found liable of sexual abuse, defamation AND business fraud.

In a normal political party, just one of those things would be disqualifying by itself. But not MAGA, nope. The more charges against the rotting gourd god, the more they love him.

Because up is down, left is right and a mugshot of him literally surrendering is a rallying cry that he will [checks notes] “never surrender.”

It doesn’t matter that we have seen photos of our national secrets in his chandelier shitter. It doesn’t matter that we all watched January 6th unfold before our very eyes while he did nothing, it doesn’t matter that we all heard him ask for those 11,000 votes to be “found” in Georgia. None of it matters to MAGA. They have no use for facts.

He hates who they hate. And for that, they’ll love him forever. Even now that he says he’ll be a dictator on “day one” and echoes Hitler. Hell, they love him even more for that shit. Because while it is a cult of stupids, it really is the hate that drives the bus. The more he hates “those people” — and that includes anyone they don’t “like”, the more loyal the base becomes.

We’ve seen that playbook once or twice throughout history, haven’t we?

Speaking of plays — or musicals rather… that brings me to the Beetlejuice Bimbo herself. The gun-holstering, Bible thumping trollop, “pharisaic judgements cast down upon thee but none for me,” Lauren Boebert. (She won’t be able to read any of this of course, unless I explain it to her in the context of the first half of Beetlejuice anyway).