Republicans out there acting like we’re stupid.

A SCOTUS wife who randomly upside downed the Flag, an oopsie Reich reference and the “assassination attempt” that wasn’t.

I admit I‘ve done some seriously stupid shit in my life.

Like the time I was home from college one summer and staying with my boyfriend or whatever friends would take me since my own home was unbearable as a result of my dad’s horrible third wife, and I was a jobless nomad with no money for anything, let alone booze.

In my infinitely devious oft shortsighted wisdom, I figured out that I could sneak into my dad’s house while he and his bitch of a wife were at work, grab one of the giant bottles of Pinot Grigio she stockpiled in the garage fridge and a scurry off to whatever destination it was that I was temporarily calling home.

One particular day, it appeared as though the wife was on to me, as the garage door was locked. It was NEVER locked.

To be honest, because I’m, well… me, I saw this as a challenge. Imagine anyone thinking a silly locked door would stop me.

She had clearly underestimated my affinity for free wine and my inexhaustible desire for getting a summer buzz, because she hadn’t thought of every possible way I might get in.

You see, she had left one of the windows in my dad’s garage workroom slightly open. It was one of those windows you turn the little handle thing and it opens out on an angle. It was barely open. But in my singularly focused, stubborn as fuck mind it was open enough for me. So I decided that I was going to get into that damn garage, through that damn window and take my damn bottle of Santa Margherita and walk the fuck out through the damn door like the no fucks given badass I was.

So I grabbed the heavy-ass wooden bench from the front stoop, propped it up in between the boxwoods and the window, climbed on up, pulled the window pane wider and wider, popped off the screen, and pulled myself up, and through and, throu… and, ugh, I pulled myself through about halfway, my hands could reach the edge of the work table and as I pulled and pulled with all my might to get my legs across the sill, I realized…

I was stuck. I was fucking stuck. My ass was just hanging there in the air. My short, little legs unable to retreat back to the bench, my short little arms too weak to pull me across the finish line or push me back.

“Fuck.” I said at least a dozen times as my belly dug into the metal of the window frame and began to burn in pain.

I was going to die there. Stuck in that window. Ass out for all the world to see. Wine-less. I was sure of it.

And then I heard it. A car speeding up the long driveway. Fuck. My dad was home. Worse… what if it was his evil wife. That’s when I thought I actually wanted to die. Death would have been better than what was coming. I couldn’t see anything other than what was in front of me, so I waited for what felt like an eternity.

The voice startled me. “What the fuck are you doing?”

Followed by laughter.

I let out a huge sigh of relief. It was my big brother Nick. Who still had a key the wife didn’t know about, and was there, I soon found out, for his own personal booze heist.

He helped me back out of the window. Helped me return the screen and the bench. The whole time with the devilishly amused look on his face he so often made and I so wish I could see again.

I fed him a thousand lies about “leaving my this inside and my that inside.” But my brother was a world-class schemer, so he finally stopped me and said, “cut the shit, what were you doing?”

So I confessed. “Trying to steal wine.” I said.

And he laughed while seeming to beam with pride at the same time.

“I didn’t know ya had it in ya, sis.” He said as he handed me not one, but two of the wive’s prized bottles. “But you gotta think that shit through next time. Always have a backup plan. You’d have been fucked if I wasn’t coming here to do the same thing.”

He grabbed a dozen or so of the hard iced teas the wife bought for her son, stuffed them in the pockets of his hoodie, jingled the house key, grinned and motioned with a nod of his head for me to leave.

As I drove home with my pirate’s bounty of white wine, I reflected on just how fucking stupid I had been to think I could pull that off, but also just how lucky I had been that my big brother was there to save me. (I miss him.).

But ultimately, trying to get in through that window was just really fucking stupid. One of the stupidest things I’ve ever done.

And as stupid as it was to get my ass stuck in a window while trying to steal average at best wine, it was not as stupid as it would be for me to believe that a “conservative” Supreme Court Justice had no knowledge of the fact that his wife had taken down their American flag, the one flying at their home, flipped it upside down, and hoisted it back up for all the world to see. It would be really, really stupid for me to believe he just didn’t “notice.”

And as stupid as it would be for me, or you or anyone out there to believe that shit, we’d have to be about as stupid as it gets to believe that it was flown upside down by his wife at their home, because she was mad about a political yard sign. And that was her response to it.

In the wake of the January 6th insurrection, during which the rabid rioters carried upside down American flags as a show of solidarity with the “Stop the steal” movement, Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito’s wife was just so mad about a sign, so angry, so FURIOUS about a fucking sign, that she needed to storm outside, in January when it’s pretty cold out, retrieve their American flag, turn it upside down, and return it to the mast?

Such a seemingly random response isn’t it? I mean, lots of stuff happens while we’re home that pisses us off. The Rangers lost the other night and I didn’t come home and flip my American flag upside down. The purse I ordered from QVC arrived with a scratch, and I didn’t storm out to the front of the house while muttering about “the quality of the leather blah blah” as I retrieved my flag, flipped it upside down and returned it to flying.

And if she was so mad about a political sign in her neighborhood that it ignited within her a flag-flying-fury unrivaled in all of time why hadn’t she ever done that BEFORE the insurrection where the ones beating the Capitol police with their own shields were displaying them so prominently?

And as an aside — in 2016, a resident of my town put a full-sized cage on his front lawn, and inside of that cage, he placed a female mannequin in an orange jumpsuit and blonde wig, and on the front of that cage he put a sign which read: “Hillary for prison.” It was directly next to my son’s elementary school. I flipped that house off daily believe me, but I never, not once, was so mad about it that I needed to fly my Flag upside down.