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Donald Trump waddled out in front of the American people last night and delivered a QAnon TED Talk sponsored by lead paint and untreated syphilis.
I swear to God, every time I think this histrionic fucking halfwit has finally reached the bottom of the barrel, he finds a trapdoor.
His big “revelation”?
Apparently Democrats forgot to rig the election in 2016… somehow figured out how to rig it perfectly in 2020 while Donald Trump was literally the fucking president… and then, four years later, forgot how to rig it again.
So according to Donald Trump, the only election Democrats successfully stole…
…was the one he himself was in charge of protecting.
You have to be a special kind of staggeringly, spectacularly stupid motherfucker to believe this bullshit. The kind of stupid that reads the warning label on a bottle of bleach and thinks, “Well don’t tell me how to party.”
By this logic, Democrats are criminal masterminds capable of coordinating a globe-spanning conspiracy involving voting machines, intelligence agencies, thousands of local election officials and millions of ballots…
…but every other election cycle they accidentally leave the fucking instructions at Kinko’s.
Apparently they’re omnipotent on Tuesday and can’t organize a fucking yard sale by Wednesday.
Apparently the Deep State can overthrow the government but keeps getting locked out of its own fucking Gmail account. They’re one forgotten password away from yelling, “Kevin! Get your ass in here! I clicked on something I definitely wasn’t supposed to click on!”
This isn’t a conspiracy theory anymore. It’s a choose-your-own-adventure book written entirely in crayon by a man who keeps eating the pages.
Hell, this theory has more positions than the Kama Sutra and somehow makes less fucking sense.
Except this isn’t just another crazy rant.
This is the President of the United States using the power of that office to convince millions of Americans that the next election cannot be trusted before a single ballot has even been cast.
And today, his Secretary of Homeland Security, Markwayne “Two First Names, No Fucking Clue” Mullin, went a step further, warning that state officials who refuse to comply with the administration’s election directives could face criminal prosecution and even imprisonment.
They’re not hiding the ball anymore.
They’re helicopter-dicking the whole damn playbook around the room and acting offended that we’re looking.
The President tells you the election is already corrupt.
His administration tells state officials they’d better get in line…
…or they could go to prison.
And now lawmakers are openly warning that he could send federal agents or even troops into our elections to seize ballots, seize voting machines and take control of polling places.
They’re telling us out loud.
This isn’t election security.
This is intimidation.
This is bullying wrapped in bureaucracy.
This is the federal government putting a fucking gun on the table before the American people vote and asking state election officials if they feel like playing nice.
Because this isn’t about 2020 anymore.
He’s laying the groundwork.
Brick by brick.
Lie by lie.
Bullshit by bullshit.
If Americans vote against him, he’ll say it was stolen.
If states refuse to do what he wants, he’ll claim they’re corrupt.
If he loses, he’ll insist the election was illegitimate before the votes are even counted.
There is no fucking way Donald Trump willingly allows us to have free and fair elections in November without trying to poison, pressure, pollute, obstruct or seize control of the process.
Because he knows exactly what happens if the votes get counted straight.
He loses the House.
He loses the Senate.
And then it’s lights out.
Game fucking over.
The investigations begin, the subpoenas start flying, his protection racket starts cracking, crumbling and collapsing…
…and Donald Trump is fucking toast.
Authoritarians don’t cancel elections overnight.
They poison public confidence.
They sabotage public trust.
They smother democracy one lie at a time until people stop believing their own ballots matter.
That’s what last night was.
Not an explanation.
Not evidence.
A permission slip.
So what do we do?
We demand that Congress pass protections prohibiting federal agents or troops from touching ballots, voting machines or polling places.
We pressure governors, attorneys general and secretaries of state to prepare emergency legal challenges now, not after federal agents arrive.
We check our registrations.
We vote early where we can.
We volunteer as poll workers.
We document intimidation.
We support the election officials who refuse to surrender their constitutional authority.
And then we overwhelm every obstacle they build with so many lawful votes that their bullshit cannot bury what the American people have said.
Because if we laugh at the insanity without recognizing the strategy underneath it, we’re going to wake up one day wondering where our democracy went…
…while the guy who told us Democrats forgot how to rig elections explains why we shouldn’t be allowed to vote in the next one.
And with that, today’s song:
I love you guys!
Pleas stay safe, stay strong, and stay connected to each other!
I read your responses and your words of support, and I cry when I read them because I can’t believe how lucky I am to have this community.
When I’m feeling my absolute lowest, I know I’m going to be OK because you’re all here.
And yeah, I’m writing this through tears because I’ve been crying a lot lately over something that truly breaks my heart.
So I’m sorry if there are a few typos.
💙 Jo
