The mug shot heard around the world.

So many firsts for Mr. Never Surrender

I admit- I’ve believed a lot of dumb shit in my life. I thought John Kerry would win the Presidency. I thought Blu-Ray was the future. That Olestra potato chips were “healthy”. I believed my ex wasn’t being facetious when he promised to be faithful on our wedding day. I even believed my hairdresser in 1988 when she convinced me to let her cut a face-framing bang, on ONE SIDE OF MY FOREHEAD by saying it would “be all anyone talked about” ahead of my 8th grade graduation. (In retrospect, she was right as jokes about my mini-flock of seagulls hair was quite the talk of the town for a hot minute there but I digress…)

But believing that a first ever of it’s kind mug shot of a one term, twice impeached, quadruply indicted candidate for the very same office he’s charged with trying to steal is a rallying cry, is just way to fucking far-fetched. Even for me.

And that’s because it’s not ACTUALLY a rallying cry at all. It’s a coping mechanism. Much in the same way that I screamed “It’s CUTTING EDGE! IT’S COOL!!” when Shannon Sweeney, the most popular boy in the school, asked me what had happened to my hair in 1988.

They’re desperately trying to make the case for why a mug shot taken in a notoriously unglamorous county jail is a position of strength for them. For him. That it’s something to brag about. To campaign on.

Maybe if they all push how cool this is. How “badass”, how hard it “owns the Libs”, maybe if they keep saying it over and over again, maybe if they whisper it into their shitty MyPillow as they cry themselves to sleep every night, maybe if they numb themselves with copious amounts of whiskey while mumbling it in the shower, maybe if they share 26 “LEGEND” memes a day, maybe then- maybe then it’ll become reality.

Maybe if they say that what we’re all seeing in that photo— an angry old man who has been getting the fucking shit kicked out of him by Lady Justice as of late, isn’t actually what we’re seeing with our lying eyes. Where we see a sad attempt at looking “tough”, they see “badass”. Where we see Addy’d up eyeballs, they see “determination”. Where we see a traitor, they see a “patriot”. A 215lb patriot by the way.

And as an aside, if Donald Trump weighs 215 pounds then I am a natural blonde virgin who never drinks and never fucking swears.