“They’re equally___ fill in the blank bullshitpalooza.

Sure, Trump encouraged his daddy Vladdy to attack our allies, but have you seen Biden’s shoes?!!

Imagine if you will…

It’s the final round of the new season of the Bachelorette, and Brandi-Leigh Bigboobies, a fresh-faced, golden-haired fight attendant and semi-professional snake-milker (no that’s not a euphemism, despite that one college “phase”), has whittled the field of firefighters, stock brokers and emergency room doctors down to only two.

The camera focuses in on the single remaining rose, and pans back to Brandi-Leigh’s clearly confused “why the heck did I leave my car keys in my fridge again?” expression.

The studio lights lower.

The tension mounts as the camera follows long-time host and permanently tan former adult-male entertainer, Tristan Todd, who slowly makes his way to the chesty 28-year old from Killeen, Texas, who’s shaking with nerves in her silver sequin above-the-knee cocktail dress while seated on the white leather conversation couch. “How are you feeling right now, Brandi-Leigh?” He asks in a hushed tone.

The live audience holds their breath collectively, bites their nails and keeps their eyes glued to the set, wondering, ‘Who will she choose??’

“Well, I’m alright I guess… it’s just a real hard decision to make, ya know?” Brandi-Leigh replies.

Tristan places a consoling hand on her thigh, “This is always hard,” he says with a wink and a nod as the audience sighs in empathetic agreement. “But with two one of a kind candidates like these, it makes it that much harder (another wink), so let’s take a look at the journey of how we got here, from 25 suitors to 2 with the help of our expert panel of relationship gurus, shall we?”

And with that, he tosses to the in-house panel of “experts” known for their spirited debates and playful back and forths on the pros and cons of the candidates of each season.

British romance novelist, Evangeline Mercer in all her Botox best is up first. “I do feel for poor Brandi-Jane…” she begins sloppily as a result of the 4 martini lunch she’d enjoyed a few hours earlier. “These are two exceptional chaps really, but I must say, that when it comes to charm — one fellow is just leagues above the other. I mean it truly, there’s a sparkle in that chap’s eye. It’s got to be Charles.”

Inexplicably, former game show host, Wally Turner nods in agreement and the audience gasps.

[Wally and Evangeline NEVER agree!!]

Wally cracks the same joke he’s been making for decades about a broken clock being right and whatnot, winks at “Evie” as he’s referred to her ever since that one tequila-fueled night of debauchery she’s made him sign an NDA to never discuss. “It’s true. Charlie just has something special about him. Something electric. And don’t get me wrong— Simon seems lovely. He’s a self-made billionaire, he rescues an average of 10 beached whales a day, he donated all of his internal organs to kids in underserved communities who were on the transplant list, and then hired the world’s greatest scientists to build all new ones for him out of recycled K-Cups and the hair of Himalayan Mountain Yak, he wrote a ballad for Brandi-Leigh, had Justin Timberlake record it and perform it at the Grammys, he cooks, he cleans, he lives to give foot rubs and he’s movie star handsome with chiseled features sculpted by the gods themselves, every line and curve of his physique a testament to perfection and he’s also hung like a goddamn stallion, BUT when with all of that… he still just doesn’t seem to have what Charlie does…”

Their fellow panelists, magician Diamond Tiger and celebrity stylist Brycen Lux appear completely oblivious to Wally’s over-enthusiastic ramblings and nod in agreement.

“When compared side by side, they’re both equally successful arguably… Simon did send that historic first-ever all-squirrel flight crew to the moon (not back, but still), BUT Charles can sing at least moderately well, so… I’d say that zeroes them out.” Diamond notes.