This ain’t no love letter to Moscow Mitch

But I’m not on team “yay STROKE” either.

It’s fairly impossible to fully capture the depths of my hatred for Mitch McConnell.

I really, really hate watching people put ketchup on eggs. My lip curls, my fists clench and I envision grabbing the ketchup bottle and hurling it at the wall like the yam-dyed dotard did. But that’s child’s play comparatively.

I once worked with a woman who, all things considered, was a lovely person, aside from the fact that she said “LIBARY” and not “LIBRARY” and every time she said it, I was sure in that moment that I hated nothing on the planet more. I thought ‘THAT’S IT!!! I NEED TO DRAG HER BY HER HAIR DOWN THE STREET, STAND HER IN FRONT OF THE MOTHERFUCKING LIBRARY AND DEMAND THAT SHE SAY IT CORRECTLY 100 TIMES IN A ROW BEFORE I SLASH HER TIRES!!!’ But even that level of all-consuming, visualizations of retributory public humiliation kind of rage is but a mere drop in the bucket by comparison.

I need to think BIGGER.

I would say that I despise him with the passion of a thousand suns, but then I think… how do I know that 1,000 suns would really capture it fully? How big are the suns? Are they 10 times bigger than our own? Because, that makes a difference. One thousand of our suns, as big and bright and beautiful, and let’s be honest, HOT AF as our sexy star may be, when I really do the math, even a 1,000 doesn’t quite get there.

I would say (and actually DID say) that I detest him with every fiber of my being, but then I think - well, after a light salad lunch and no booze or like the second round of Thanksgiving leftovers a mere few hours and about a bottle and a half of wine after eating the actual Thanksgiving dinner? Because there’s quite a bit more of my “being” in the case of the latter, and I’m pretty sure that even then, even if I add an extra slice of pumpkin pie, I’m still comin up short.

In many ways, Mitch McConnell has done more harm to American democracy than donald trump (not that if given the chance, trump won’t do everything in his power to prove me a liar for saying that).

Trump smashes everything into pieces with big, dumb, impulsive swings. Like some brainless, narcissistic Frankefucker. When he wants something, he just grabs it (as we well know) and it leaves all that surrounds him, a tattered, shattered, used, abused and ruined mess.

Not McConnell. Not that evil turtle.