Everything is stupid.

And other musings from our dystopian hellscape…

On a scale of one to Richard Simmons, the United States of America is currently a strung-out suburban mom on a 29 day bender of sweatin’ to the oldies while hopped up on “fat free” Entenmann's all-butter loaf and binge-watched back to back seasons of Gilmore Girls.

Let me just say this: we are living in the dumbest, most batshit insane timeline imaginable. Every single day feels like waking up in a script for *Starsky and Hutch* written by a coked-up proboscis monkey. Everything is either so evil it makes your teeth hurt, or so stupid it makes you want to yeet yourself directly into the sun. It’s like someone handed a toddler a crayon and said, “Here, rewrite the Constitution, the laws of physics, and maybe the menu at Taco Bell while you’re at it.” And now, here we are, watching society collapse in real time while billionaires build rocket ships shaped like their dicks.

Speaking of billionaires—those yacht-humping, tax-evading, gold-plated assholes—they are out here making $8 million a day just for existing. That’s right, they don’t even have to *do* anything. They just sit in their infinity pools full of Dom Pérignon, scrolling the social media platforms they own on their diamond-encrusted phones, while the rest of us are out here debating whether it’s cheaper to eat ramen or just gnaw on the cardboard box it came in. Meanwhile, Phony Stark is seconds away from naming constellations after himself, and Bezos is busy is trying to figure out how to turn Uranus into a tax free utopia for himself, his big-boobied bride and the rest of the brigade of inherently unfuckable broligarchs.

And what’s the Turd Reich doing about all this? Oh, nothing useful, obviously. Their big plan to fix the economy is… wait for it… to INVADE FUCKING GREENLAND. GREENLAND. A frozen wasteland with more polar bears than people. What’s the endgame here? Build a Margaritaville on an iceberg? Start mining for snow? Jesus Christ on a snowmobile, we’re out here trying to colonize a giant ice cube while people can’t afford motherfucking eggs.

And you just *know* some taint supping Rep. from Shoot Yer Dinner Arkansas is gonna stand up in Congress and be like, “This is about FREEDOM!”

Freedom for what? To turn Greenland into the world’s coldest Walmart parking lot? Meanwhile, the billionaires are probably already scheming to turn it into their next tax haven. “Oh, look, honey, we bought a glacier! It’s shaped like a middle finger riding a unicorn and pissing into a pool of rare minerals, just like I always wanted.”

Honestly, this whole timeline is like watching a buddy cop meets Grand Theft Auto movie where both cops are shitfaced, the Tesla they’re driving is on fucking fire, and they’re chasing a criminal who doesn’t even exist. It’s *Starsky and Hutch*, but instead of solving crimes, they’re just arguing about the best way to get egg yolk stains out of their boxer briefs, and we’re all in the backseat, screaming, “PLEASE JUST PULL THE FUCK OVER!”

But no one’s pulling over. No, we’re just flooring it straight into the abyss, blasting “Free Bird” on repeat, and pretending everything’s fine. Well, guess what? It’s not fine. It’s a shitshow. It’s a flaming dumpster strapped to a penis rocket, and the only people benefiting are the same assholes who set it on fire in the first place. And the rest of us? We’re just trying to survive, one overpriced carton of eggs at a time.

And because of fucking course they did, in this midst of this bananagrams bullshit of a timeline, the Adderall addlepated dumbfuck decided, “Hey, you know what would really help right now? Annexing Canada.” Oh, sure, because Canadians are *definitely* going to want to join a country where healthcare is a GoFundMe campaign and school shootings are a weekly occurrence. “Hey, Canada! Wanna trade your universal healthcare for crippling medical debt and a free weapon of war? No? What if we throw in a coupon for Arby’s?” Canadians would rather fight us with hockey sticks and maple syrup grenades than let us slap a goddamn Hobby Lobby on top of their national parks. But sure, let’s add them as the 51st state. Maybe we can also rename Quebec “North fucking Florida” while we’re at it.

And let’s not forget the Panama Canal. Apparently, we’re “taking it back.” From whom? Nobody knows! Why? No one can say! But sure, let’s go ahead and reclaim a canal we don’t even need. What, are we worried the boats will unionize? Are we planning to turn it into a water slide for Mark Zuckerberg and his billionaire buddies? We don’t even know what the fuck we’re doing with the infrastructure we *already* have, but sure, let’s add a canal to the mix. Maybe we can throw a ribbon-cutting ceremony where Elon Musk shows up in a Tesla submarine and declares himself the Eternal King of the World’s Waterways.

Meanwhile, back home, everything costs more than my will to live. Eggs are $80, gas prices are so high I’m considering trading my car for a horse, and rent is basically, “Sell your soul or live in a box.” But don’t worry, folks, because the government has a plan! And that plan is...to joyride *The Beast*—the President’s 20,000-pound armored limo—around the Daytona 500 track. That’s right, while the rest of us are rationing toothpaste and wondering if we can survive on vibes alone, someone thought, “You know what this country needs? A bazillion dollar limo tank doing donuts at NASCAR.” Cool. Love that for us. Truly inspiring leadership.

And here’s the kicker: Ma and Pa MAGA are just...fine with this. Like, hello? Anybody home? Are we all so busy arguing about pineapple on pizza (it’s good, shut up) that we forgot the country is being looted in broad daylight? WAKE THE FUCK UP, YOU CHOCOLATE TEAPOTS OF MANKIND…The billionaires are robbing us blind, the politicians are out here playing bumper cars in *The Beast*, and you’re telling me to “cry harder” because infant formula is now a fuckton less safe than it used to be.

And listen up you dickless bags of hair, because this Gulf of America bullshit is so stupid it makes flat-earthers look like goddamn Nobel Prize winners. Your yam-dyed dotard woke up one day, pointed at a map, and thought, “You know what this giant puddle to our south needs? More *America*”?

Jesus Christ on a jet ski, the *audacity*.

It’s called the Gulf of *Mexico* because, spoiler alert, it’s next to *fucking Mexico*. But no, apparently we can’t let them have a damn *gulf* without throwing a hangry toddler-level tantrum and slapping our name on it like a high as fuck frat bro claiming his roommate’s leftover spaghetti. “Mine now!”

No, Chad, it’s not. Sit your stupid ass down.

What’s the plan here? Do we think renaming it is going to make us look cool? Like the rest of the world’s gonna clap and say, “Wow, America really nailed it this time!”? No, they’re gonna laugh their asses off and say, “Those idiots are trying to colonize the *ocean* now.” What’s next? Renaming the Pacific the “the Freedomific Ocean”? Grow the fuck up.

And let’s not forget the *logistics*. Do you know how much shit we’d have to change? Maps, textbooks, signs—*everything*. All so we can flex our big dumb ego over a body of water that doesn’t give a motherfucking fuck about how we *feel*.

Not to mention that we’ve got bigger problems—like the fact that airplanes are falling out of the sky and landing upside down. Maybe we could try, just TRY to focus on that a tad more and jizz-marking maps a teeny bit less.

Alright, listen the fuck up, because here’s the thing—this shitshow we’re living in? It doesn’t have to be the final chapter. Yeah, everything feels like it’s on fire and someone’s pissing on the ashes, but guess what? We’re not powerless. We’re not doomed. Not unless we sit on our asses and let the bastards win.

Speak the fuck up. Write to your representatives and make their inboxes regret existing. Protest like your future depends on it—because, spoiler alert, it *fucking does*. Vote like you’re swiping left on every corrupt asshole trying to screw us over. MAGA may want the billionaire bros and their pocket politicians to play Monopoly with this country while they’re stuck in a never-ending game of Hungry Hungry Hippos without the goddamn marbles, but the rest of us sure as shit don’t.

We’re better than this. We’re scrappy, loud, and stubborn as hell. So let’s get out there and raise some righteous chaos. Let’s remind these greedy fuckers that this ship doesn’t sink unless we let it.

I fucking get it — life’s a goddamn cracked out cartoon of constant crazy right now, but guess what? We’ve got each other, and that’s what matters. Laugh at the bullshit. Dance in the chaos. Crack jokes while the world wobbles like a toddler who got into granny’s secret stash of crème de menth. But don’t forget—show the fuck up. Be there for your people. Hold hands, even if they’re sweaty. Share snacks, even if they’re shitty. Life’s too short to be an asshole, so love hard, fight harder, and laugh like a maniac. Together, we’re unstoppable, even in this dirty diaper dumpster fire. Now go be the badass beacon of hope we all fucking need.

Also — join us for a new episode of “Over It”, today at noon EST.

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And here is today’s song to accompany my mood:

Love you guys!!

Stay safe. Stay strong. Stay sane-ish.

❤️ Jo