I lived this too, beginning with my kids being pretty young and Christmas was still magical to them. I was a single parent most of their childhood and teen years. Their dad was very active in their lives and while I was grateful for it I hated the holidays and summers. I hated his new wife he replaced me with within 11 months of the divorce. Lots of dark times. I’m not going to tell you it gets easier bc it doesn’t. I had supportive friends and family but they didn’t really know the depth of feelings I felt. I was alone even when I wasn’t. Lean into your support systems...family friends and your virtual support right here. Your writing is cathartic for you and for so many of us who understand.
I’m going to tell you this too - my mother stayed with our abusive father until we had all grown and gone. And we couldn’t leave soon enough from that hell family home. My resentment towards her for doing that to us was palpable and lingers to this day, fairly or unfairly. We have been estranged for years, as have my siblings amongst ourselves. It destroyed us in so many ways. We begged her to leave him but she wouldn’t. So we continued being terrified and badly injured physically, emotionally and mentally.
You had the courage to do the right thing Jo - for yourself and for your babies and I give you all the credit and respect and support for doing it. So when you are feeling so down, please take this to heart. You’re a strong loving and deeply devoted mother and your children will love you forever and deeply for making the hard choices that have benefited them. They won’t fully understand this until they are older, but they will get it. My kids do. When I’ve talked about how horrible I felt for hurting them they are mystified. They both swear they were fine and happy. (Knocked me to my knees!) It’s the mother guilt thing perhaps, but please trust me when I say they love you deeply and always will. Love yourself through the hard days. We’re here for you. Xox
I hope you are beginning to *get* that you are one awesome woman. You did the hardest thing imaginable; and I bet even your kids know the truth of that. You have a heart and soul as big as the universe and it is my honor to know you and support you in your quest for growth. I do hope the maggats leave this post alone. You deserve nothing but kudos for your honesty.
Sometimes I find it helpful to imagine myself 20,000 feet up in the sky looking down at me. And if that’s not working, perhaps from the International Space Station. And then I remember Gratitude. For being here. And being twenty years older, I can say that even the bad shit was very often good shit.
As a survivor left after a suicide...I can tell you that your children thank you & yes I know it’s a process, but the best thing you gave your children is the example of not staying in a damaging relationship...they watch not matter what you say to them.
I've oft thought 'Thank goodness' for 'palliative' Proseco/wine/bourbon, etc over the years. I share your pain and sense of loss, and sorrow. It SUCKS. All of it.
2023 was year 16 for me, dealing with sharing Christmas. It DOES get easier/better . . . and someday (well . . . maybe) you might even find yourself missing your children, while accepting that 'this is fine' (cue the meme of 'the kitchen fire and dog drinking coffee'?) and knowing that YOU are setting an example of 'how to be a good parent and good person'!!!
Years from now, you'll be okay and your children will tell you things they observed and realized while growing up - they SEE your strength and devotion!
My kids are (1) in college & (1) recently graduated - that's a WHOLE other level of 'they're gone' = but just keep doing what you are, they won't ever be far from you.
The ability and skill you have in crafting and conveying, honestly, your experiences and insights into the 'human condition' is both recognized and appreciated - Thank You!
Stay away from phone poles! And keep writing. Here's to the kids coming home, and a joyous New Year!
As per usual thanks for sharing. I’ve battled depression most of my life. I’ve been on and off medication since my twenties. Thanks for being so open about your feelings. You really are helping others that need it but are afraid to say it.
Thanks for sharing Scott. The more we talk about this stuff, the less scary it becomes. Let’s take it out of the shadows. It doesn’t belong there. We are all so disconnected — let’s share our humanity. I think it’s the key to saving the universe.
I know what being alone at Christmas feels like. My problem is for totally different reasons. Jo, you're never alone. You are a fabulous writer and, more importantly, a fabulous Mom.
I’m going to speak (write) from the flip side. My parents split when I was 2. I have no memory of a family Christmas with them. My early memories of Christmas are ‘this year it’s my turn, next year it’s your dad’s turn’. When I got a little older, they gave me the choice. CHOICE?! I have to choose which parent/side of family to hurt??! I dreaded the holidays. Hated being the one to have that burden to bear. Hated the constant guilt. During/after college I tried to squeeze both families into one day, which meant schedule coordination of epic proportions and wasting a couple hours driving to a different town. Then I got married and added ANOTHER family to the equation. I exhausted and guilted and stressed myself for a couple years but finally realized I simply hated Christmas. I was no longer religious, so what’s the point. There was nothing magical about it at all. I said ‘enough’ and just stopped. I had to.
Twenty-some years later I unapologetically still hate it, and we go out of our way to plan trips by ourselves to somewhere warm over Christmas (except this year. I decided instead to have hip surgery right now, cuz…insurance) instead of trying to travel to two different states to see family. I don’t buy gifts for anyone but niece/nephews (thankfully we don’t have kids). I don’t send cards anymore. I don’t bake treats for our neighbors or coworkers. I didn’t put out one single decoration this year. We don’t even have a Christmas tree anymore (although to be fair, that fact can mostly be blamed on having three cats). We only put lights up outside because our whole neighborhood gets into it.
I am a certifiable Grinch.
I don’t really know what my point was going to be. I guess just that holidays with split families can suck balls no matter which side of the glass you’re looking through.
Jo, I’m so sad for what you are going through. We’ve had similar experiences, the only difference is that I went through it twice in my life. The angst of not seeing my children on Christmas Day was caused by the card my first ex played. I rushed back home so as not to feel the pain of spending that special day as a family. I went back, but left 3 days later because I simply couldn’t spend another minute with the man who cheated on me, took my dignity away as well as my sense of self.
The 2nd split occurred two months before Christmas, but this time, I impressed upon my children and step daughter to spend time with my estranged husband, as I knew he needed it more than I did. At our Christmas dinner table that night sat an empty chair; it was difficult to fathom, but we did it and were comforted by the fact that we had not been privy to a husband/father drunk as a skunk sitting with his head in his dinner plate. We sat there in the secure feeling that we had all been robbed of a loving mate and loving father. This time, I had no intention of going back to a very sick relationship.
When my relationship with both my spouses were doomed, I found solace in going to university; in the first relationship, I did my undergraduate degree, and in the 2nd instance, I completed an MBA. Both of these degrees gave me back my sense of self, my pride, and the feeling of being capable of overcoming the cards that I had dealt to myself. My nap-sack of life was getting lighter and lighter. It hasn’t been perfect, but it sure has been a sheet-load better than it had been. I had a wonderful career, and now comfortably retired at the ripe old age of 75 with a man who doesn’t denigrate my accomplishments. It took a long time to find myself, but now that I have, I will never be lost again.
I understand the stress that you are going through, but believe me that when you look back on your life you will be amazed at how well you survived everything that looked insurmountable. Chin up and hold that head high. You’re already half way through your grieving process. Big hugs and keep writing, it is cathartic.
Thank you Jo, as you are as well. Once you’re over the grieving process you’ll be your own star. A therapist once told me that after separation & divorce, the grieving process takes the equivalent of 1 month for each year of involvement with the former partner. I found that to be pretty accurate.
My first Christmas as a divorced parent, my ex had the kids Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. He was supposed to have them back to me early afternoon on Christmas Day. He took them to a movie and was nearly two hours late. I had convinced myself that he wasn’t going to bring them back until late that night, if at all. I was hysterical. The kids were too little to have their own cell phones and ex-husband wouldn’t talk to me at all (we communicated only by email or through lawyers). I COMPLETELY understand your pain. I can only tell you that it gets better. Hugs sent to help you get through the next few days. ❤️
I get it completely, albeit from the daddy POV. My x wife and I worked it out to where they'd be with me on Christmas Eve, and with her on Christmas Day. I know on my Eves, we had big fun. So in a sense, hey they got two Christmases. On my childless Christmas Day, (although we eventually had a son, too), I'd be with my current wife's family. Fade out, fade in. Everybody's grown now, but of course we still do it the same way, and those Eves are well looked forward to. It has worked out for everybody involved. Of course it's not ideal for anybody involved. I certainly missed the actual Christmas morning joysplosion, and the big family dinner after a day of playing with the new toys. But my trade off was having a partner with whom I got along, and that was a good deal certainly for me, her and the children. It's all weird trade offs, and negotiations... with the number one factor being, how to make it all most pleasant and loving for these kids, who certainly don't want to be splitting the time either. They want mom and dad and the family to be together. But they sooner or later they realize they appreciated that a less toxic atmosphere, as the case may be, is a good thing. All I could do was make what time I did have with them the most loving and meaningful I could. Merry Christmas, Jo Jo.
I lived this too, beginning with my kids being pretty young and Christmas was still magical to them. I was a single parent most of their childhood and teen years. Their dad was very active in their lives and while I was grateful for it I hated the holidays and summers. I hated his new wife he replaced me with within 11 months of the divorce. Lots of dark times. I’m not going to tell you it gets easier bc it doesn’t. I had supportive friends and family but they didn’t really know the depth of feelings I felt. I was alone even when I wasn’t. Lean into your support systems...family friends and your virtual support right here. Your writing is cathartic for you and for so many of us who understand.
I’m going to tell you this too - my mother stayed with our abusive father until we had all grown and gone. And we couldn’t leave soon enough from that hell family home. My resentment towards her for doing that to us was palpable and lingers to this day, fairly or unfairly. We have been estranged for years, as have my siblings amongst ourselves. It destroyed us in so many ways. We begged her to leave him but she wouldn’t. So we continued being terrified and badly injured physically, emotionally and mentally.
You had the courage to do the right thing Jo - for yourself and for your babies and I give you all the credit and respect and support for doing it. So when you are feeling so down, please take this to heart. You’re a strong loving and deeply devoted mother and your children will love you forever and deeply for making the hard choices that have benefited them. They won’t fully understand this until they are older, but they will get it. My kids do. When I’ve talked about how horrible I felt for hurting them they are mystified. They both swear they were fine and happy. (Knocked me to my knees!) It’s the mother guilt thing perhaps, but please trust me when I say they love you deeply and always will. Love yourself through the hard days. We’re here for you. Xox
🥰😍🥰😍🥰😍
I hope you are beginning to *get* that you are one awesome woman. You did the hardest thing imaginable; and I bet even your kids know the truth of that. You have a heart and soul as big as the universe and it is my honor to know you and support you in your quest for growth. I do hope the maggats leave this post alone. You deserve nothing but kudos for your honesty.
Sometimes I find it helpful to imagine myself 20,000 feet up in the sky looking down at me. And if that’s not working, perhaps from the International Space Station. And then I remember Gratitude. For being here. And being twenty years older, I can say that even the bad shit was very often good shit.
Well said. Time and perspective do that.
As a survivor left after a suicide...I can tell you that your children thank you & yes I know it’s a process, but the best thing you gave your children is the example of not staying in a damaging relationship...they watch not matter what you say to them.
Brava sister!
Merry belated Christmas, Ms. Carducci. Thank you for your columns., this one in particular. You've helped me get through another tough holiday week...
❤️🩹❤️🩹
Jo,
I've oft thought 'Thank goodness' for 'palliative' Proseco/wine/bourbon, etc over the years. I share your pain and sense of loss, and sorrow. It SUCKS. All of it.
2023 was year 16 for me, dealing with sharing Christmas. It DOES get easier/better . . . and someday (well . . . maybe) you might even find yourself missing your children, while accepting that 'this is fine' (cue the meme of 'the kitchen fire and dog drinking coffee'?) and knowing that YOU are setting an example of 'how to be a good parent and good person'!!!
Years from now, you'll be okay and your children will tell you things they observed and realized while growing up - they SEE your strength and devotion!
My kids are (1) in college & (1) recently graduated - that's a WHOLE other level of 'they're gone' = but just keep doing what you are, they won't ever be far from you.
The ability and skill you have in crafting and conveying, honestly, your experiences and insights into the 'human condition' is both recognized and appreciated - Thank You!
Stay away from phone poles! And keep writing. Here's to the kids coming home, and a joyous New Year!
Best, and greetings from DC.
RAS
As per usual thanks for sharing. I’ve battled depression most of my life. I’ve been on and off medication since my twenties. Thanks for being so open about your feelings. You really are helping others that need it but are afraid to say it.
Thanks for sharing Scott. The more we talk about this stuff, the less scary it becomes. Let’s take it out of the shadows. It doesn’t belong there. We are all so disconnected — let’s share our humanity. I think it’s the key to saving the universe.
I know what being alone at Christmas feels like. My problem is for totally different reasons. Jo, you're never alone. You are a fabulous writer and, more importantly, a fabulous Mom.
P.S. Keep the Prosecco handy.
Jo you are an amazing woman, and you will make a better life for yourself and your children. ❤️. Be safe.
I’m going to speak (write) from the flip side. My parents split when I was 2. I have no memory of a family Christmas with them. My early memories of Christmas are ‘this year it’s my turn, next year it’s your dad’s turn’. When I got a little older, they gave me the choice. CHOICE?! I have to choose which parent/side of family to hurt??! I dreaded the holidays. Hated being the one to have that burden to bear. Hated the constant guilt. During/after college I tried to squeeze both families into one day, which meant schedule coordination of epic proportions and wasting a couple hours driving to a different town. Then I got married and added ANOTHER family to the equation. I exhausted and guilted and stressed myself for a couple years but finally realized I simply hated Christmas. I was no longer religious, so what’s the point. There was nothing magical about it at all. I said ‘enough’ and just stopped. I had to.
Twenty-some years later I unapologetically still hate it, and we go out of our way to plan trips by ourselves to somewhere warm over Christmas (except this year. I decided instead to have hip surgery right now, cuz…insurance) instead of trying to travel to two different states to see family. I don’t buy gifts for anyone but niece/nephews (thankfully we don’t have kids). I don’t send cards anymore. I don’t bake treats for our neighbors or coworkers. I didn’t put out one single decoration this year. We don’t even have a Christmas tree anymore (although to be fair, that fact can mostly be blamed on having three cats). We only put lights up outside because our whole neighborhood gets into it.
I am a certifiable Grinch.
I don’t really know what my point was going to be. I guess just that holidays with split families can suck balls no matter which side of the glass you’re looking through.
Thanks as always for sharing 💙 Cheers, JoJo 🥂
Very interesting story. Thank you for sharing. I enjoy reading your blog and I give you TONS of credit for opening up about this.
Jo, I’m so sad for what you are going through. We’ve had similar experiences, the only difference is that I went through it twice in my life. The angst of not seeing my children on Christmas Day was caused by the card my first ex played. I rushed back home so as not to feel the pain of spending that special day as a family. I went back, but left 3 days later because I simply couldn’t spend another minute with the man who cheated on me, took my dignity away as well as my sense of self.
The 2nd split occurred two months before Christmas, but this time, I impressed upon my children and step daughter to spend time with my estranged husband, as I knew he needed it more than I did. At our Christmas dinner table that night sat an empty chair; it was difficult to fathom, but we did it and were comforted by the fact that we had not been privy to a husband/father drunk as a skunk sitting with his head in his dinner plate. We sat there in the secure feeling that we had all been robbed of a loving mate and loving father. This time, I had no intention of going back to a very sick relationship.
When my relationship with both my spouses were doomed, I found solace in going to university; in the first relationship, I did my undergraduate degree, and in the 2nd instance, I completed an MBA. Both of these degrees gave me back my sense of self, my pride, and the feeling of being capable of overcoming the cards that I had dealt to myself. My nap-sack of life was getting lighter and lighter. It hasn’t been perfect, but it sure has been a sheet-load better than it had been. I had a wonderful career, and now comfortably retired at the ripe old age of 75 with a man who doesn’t denigrate my accomplishments. It took a long time to find myself, but now that I have, I will never be lost again.
I understand the stress that you are going through, but believe me that when you look back on your life you will be amazed at how well you survived everything that looked insurmountable. Chin up and hold that head high. You’re already half way through your grieving process. Big hugs and keep writing, it is cathartic.
You are an inspiration. 🌟
Thank you Jo, as you are as well. Once you’re over the grieving process you’ll be your own star. A therapist once told me that after separation & divorce, the grieving process takes the equivalent of 1 month for each year of involvement with the former partner. I found that to be pretty accurate.
My first Christmas as a divorced parent, my ex had the kids Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. He was supposed to have them back to me early afternoon on Christmas Day. He took them to a movie and was nearly two hours late. I had convinced myself that he wasn’t going to bring them back until late that night, if at all. I was hysterical. The kids were too little to have their own cell phones and ex-husband wouldn’t talk to me at all (we communicated only by email or through lawyers). I COMPLETELY understand your pain. I can only tell you that it gets better. Hugs sent to help you get through the next few days. ❤️
I’m so sorry that was gone to you. I would have been beside myself.
I get it completely, albeit from the daddy POV. My x wife and I worked it out to where they'd be with me on Christmas Eve, and with her on Christmas Day. I know on my Eves, we had big fun. So in a sense, hey they got two Christmases. On my childless Christmas Day, (although we eventually had a son, too), I'd be with my current wife's family. Fade out, fade in. Everybody's grown now, but of course we still do it the same way, and those Eves are well looked forward to. It has worked out for everybody involved. Of course it's not ideal for anybody involved. I certainly missed the actual Christmas morning joysplosion, and the big family dinner after a day of playing with the new toys. But my trade off was having a partner with whom I got along, and that was a good deal certainly for me, her and the children. It's all weird trade offs, and negotiations... with the number one factor being, how to make it all most pleasant and loving for these kids, who certainly don't want to be splitting the time either. They want mom and dad and the family to be together. But they sooner or later they realize they appreciated that a less toxic atmosphere, as the case may be, is a good thing. All I could do was make what time I did have with them the most loving and meaningful I could. Merry Christmas, Jo Jo.
Arms around you. You are a strong woman, Jo.
I am sorry that you dont have your babies for holiday. Yes - it sucks!
The other side to that is when the ex doesnt care. when mine were young my ex was no where to be found or heard from.
It can be a cruel world from so many different perspectives… stay strong Jojo, from all of us that care. ❤️🌹