Dear Ma & Pa MAGA,
Trump’s tariffs will raise prices, slow economic growth, cut profits, grow unemployment, worsen inequality, diminish productivity and increase global tensions.
Stocks are selling off, consumers are fearful and pulling back on spending, the Nasdaq is teetering near correction, we’ve aligned with Russia, imported sex traffickers, gutted a suicide prevention hotline for our vets, stopped feeding starving kids, ceased monitoring Bird Flu, defunded childhood cancer research, and dismantled the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau all while shitcanning air traffic controllers, park rangers and firefighters.
Everything you buy is now more expensive, your access to quality healthcare is diminishing, the airplanes you fly on, your workplace, the food you eat, the air you breathe and the water you drink are all less safe, public education is about to be defunded which means those critical services your autistic child desperately needs will soon be gone.
Our economy is tanking, our longstanding partnerships with the world’s democracies are crumbling, wildfires are raging, farmers are struggling, jobs are disappearing, infectious diseases are spreading, and the cost of living is rising. Rapidly.
Oh yeah, and that Social Security you paid into and that Medicaid you rely on are about to go bye-bye all so we can make room for even MORE tax cuts for the billionaires who wouldn’t so much as piss on you if you were on fire.
Your lives have just become massively more difficult, less safe, less equitable and much, much more expensive.
Your kids are going to be poorer, dumber, hungrier, sicker, and less safe.
But at least you won the “war on pronouns” and that imaginary trans kid you invented in your willfully fucking stupid smooth brained minds won’t be playing third base on your daughter’s softball team.
At least there’s that, right?
So much winning.
You really must be sick of it.
And yet despite ALL of that, here we fucking are again. Another day, another goddamn dumpster fire ignited by the Oompa Loompan equivalent of a half-melted circus peanut, and you’re still there, clapping like lobotomized seals at his every word. You act like he’s the second coming of Jesus, when he’s really just the first coming of a bargain bin Benedict Arnold who treats the Constitution like it’s a Chinese-made cocktail napkin at Mar-a-fucking-Lago, smeared with ketchup from his well-done steak and scrawled on with a Sharpie like a toddler trying to "fix" the rules of Uno.
Last night’s address to Congress wasn’t a speech—it wasn’t even a coherent fucking thought. It was a sweaty, disjointed mess of self-fellating delusion, and vague promises about “greatness” that didn’t contain a single goddamn idea that would actually improve your sorry-ass, Camo Croc Cretin lives.
But that’s the whole game, isn’t it? It’s all one big fucking distraction. While you Fanny Pack Fascists are busy hooting and hollering like day drunk Dodos over his brazen bullshit about 300 year olds, drag shows, or whatever other stupid shiny object he dangles in front of your slack-jawed faces, the country is circling the goddamn drain. And you’re too fucking stupid—too spiteful—or both—to notice. Or maybe you *do* notice, but you just don’t give a flying shit because, hey, at least he’s “owning the libs,” right? At least he’s making the they/them/those people you irrationally fucking hate feel bad, even if it means setting your own goddamn house on fire in the process.
Now listen up you Cousin-Loving Clodhoppers, because the cold, hard truth is this: none of this is about making your life better. It never fucking was. It’s about keeping you distracted while they rob you blind, gut your communities, and sell this country off to the highest foreign bidder. You think he gives a shit about you? You think he even knows you exist? Newsflash, you Yankee Doodle dipshits: he wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire unless he could charge you for it. You’re not his base—you’re his marks. His useful fucking idiots. His willing accomplices in the slow, painful destruction of everything that once made this country halfway decent.
Let’s talk about what he *didn’t* mention last night. Did he talk about how you’re paying out the ass for basic necessities like eggs, while you’re out here thinking about getting your own fucking chickens just to survive? Nope. Did he address the fact that millions of Americans are drowning in medical debt because insulin costs more than your shitty used Ford F-Your Feelings? Of course not. Did he say a goddamn word about how your kids are going to underfunded schools where they’re more likely to practice active shooter drills than learn anything useful? Don’t be fucking ridiculous. Instead, he spent his time whining about how mean everyone is to him, like a toddler who got his toy taken away, as if being held accountable for his own actions is some kind of personal fucking attack.
And you ate that shit up. You fucking loved it. You sat there, nodding along like the gullible dipshits you are, because it’s easier than admitting you’ve been conned. You’ve been duped by a snake oil salesman whose entire business model is failure and whose only real talent is convincing rubes like you that he’s a genius. He’s not. He’s a carnival barker in a Lorax wig with the personality of a cracked-out cockroach, and you’re the shit-for-brains suckers who bought a ticket to his rigged game.
Meanwhile, while you’re busy chanting “MAGA” and slapping those tacky-ass “cry harder” bumper stickers on the gas-guzzling trucks you will no longer be able to afford, he and his broligarch buddies are bleeding this country dry. They’re gutting your healthcare, your retirement, your schools, your environment, and your future, all while blaming everyone but themselves. Immigrants. LGBTQ people. Drag queens. Fucking librarians. Anyone and everyone except the actual assholes pulling the goddamn strings. And you fall for it every fucking time, because critical thinking ain’t exactly your strong suit, now is it you sharp as marbles flagpole felchers.
Here’s the thing: this isn’t just about you anymore. It’s about the rest of us who have to live with the consequences of your stupidity. It’s about the kids who are going to grow up in a country that’s poorer, sicker, and more divided than ever because you couldn’t be bothered to pull your heads out of your asses long enough to see what’s really going on. It’s about the fact that while you’re busy fighting a culture war over pronouns and Dr. Seuss books, the real war—the one against greed, corruption, and inequality—is being fucking lost.
Congrats on not just being stupid—but being fucking dedicated to it. It’s like you woke up one day, looked intelligence in the face, and said, “Fuck that, I’ll pass.” You wear their ignorance like a goddamn badge of honor, doubling down on every wrong, brain-dead opinion as if being loud and fucking wrong is some kind of twisted superpower.
You Kool-aid-Klan-Karens and Proud Boy panty sniffers are out there desperately Googling “how to fucking think” while proudly hitching your rusty-ass, broken-down wagon to a bloviating bloated fucking conman who’s gleefully running this goddamn country straight into the fucking ground.
You’re too fucking brain-dead, too goddamn spiteful, or just too pathetically fucking stubborn to admit it. But hey, at least you’re *owning the libs*, right? At least you’ve got your tacky-ass red hats and your bullshit Facebook conspiracy memes to keep you comfy while the whole fucking world burns around you. Bask in the flaming fucking dumpster fire you helped build. You’ve fucking earned every last goddamn ember.
And with that, here’s today’s song:
I love you guys.
Stay safe, stay strong, stay the fuck away from the Fanny Pack Fascists.
❤️ Jo
Oh yeah, and stay tuned - because tomorrow at 1:00ET I’ll be live on here with the one and only
!!More details in the morning.
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